


redhead gets banged with puns until he dies

by orphan_account



Category: No Fandom
Genre: HERE I AM, I swear, M/M, chatfic, craig snuck into the usa at the age of 19 for weed, damien is best dad, dead memes, got into dream daddy too late, hes legal now, highly based on dream daddy, its my oc named craig hathaway, mitchell and craig are painfully uncool, no, not craig cahn, possibly dead memes, someone delete this for me, that it makes them cool, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 17:14:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14720279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: this is stress-relief because ive been trying to jump off a bridge and i dont want toyes





	redhead gets banged with puns until he dies

 

_ (7:16 PM) _

**Mitchell** : Hey. I had a great time at the barbecue with you.

Just wanted to say hi and stuff.

 

**Craig** : oh hi!

i had a great time too!

you're a real cool guy, if I do say so myself. you got the F R E S H memes.

 

**Mitchell** : Lie.

 

**Craig** : no truth.

 

**Mitchell** : LIE.

 

**Craig** : no u.

 

**Mitchell** : *no us

_https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U06jlgpMtQs_

 

**Craig** : i take it back because you're a stinking commie. DISGUSTING.

 

**Mitchell** : Fuck you, this is who I am.

If you don't

love me at my worst

you don't love me

at my best

 

**Craig** : ****then you dont deserve me at my best

What a normie. Elizabeth is disappointed.

 

**Mitchell** : stfu.

Is Elizabeth reading this?

 

**Craig** : yes. yes she is.

 

**Mitchell** : o shit waddup

 

**Craig** : you guys are horrifying in all ways possible. why are you doing this, you crazed fathers.

that was elizabeth

wow

she lies. her Generation-Z mind isn't able to understand the beauty of ALL memes.

 

**Mitchell** : Sorry, missus Hathaway. Your dad's a horrible influence on me.

Wow, I thought Elizabeth was nicer than thus

*this

 

**Craig** : ohoho you thought.

she's my lil devil.

she says just kidding though. :P

and i'm gonna fight you.

 

**Mitchell** : ...Hi, I'm gonna fight you

 

**Craig** : wait.

WAIT.

 

**Mitchell** : I'M DAD.

 

**Craig** : _[ohgodpleaseno.gif]_

 

**Mitchell** : oh god please yes

...Looking back at that message, it looks extremely explicit.

 

**Craig** : lol.

anyway, i forgot to say thank you.

 

**Mitchell** : What?

 

**Craig** : thanks for talking to me and stuff. im not that social, yknow. i cant talk to anyone without breaking into a sweat and crying. haha. you were real patient with me at the barbecue and man, i appreciate that. plus elizabeth seems to like you and Thomas lots! so i thought that was cool. you guys seem super cool in general and friendly. 

 

**Mitchell** : It's no problem at all! Socializing isn't an easy task for everyone. I understand. It's really no biggie.

And oh fuck, that's great! I did see Thomas chatting it up with Elizabeth. So glad they're getting along.

Aaaaand you're also a cool guy. 

 

**Craig** : nah

 

**Mitchell** : Yeah.

 

**Craig** : nah

 

**Mitchell** : Yeah.

 

**Craig** : nah

 

**Mitchell** : say nah again and i'll burn your cul de sac down. accept the COMPLIMENT.

I'll have you know I once karate-chopped a table to mere splinters. I'd be a shame... if your beloved, hand-made, wooden dining table...

broke.

 

**Craig** : you wouldn't

 

**Mitchell** : Oh but I would.

_[evillaugh.gif]_

 

**Craig** : you evil asshole...

i accept the compliment but know youre cooler.

 

**Mitchell** : Done and done, baby.

 

**Craig** : did you just

 

**Mitchell** : Yes.

 

**Craig** : CALL ME BABY

well damn that was a quick response.

I AM NOT YOUR BABY

im your sugar daddy

 

**Mitchell** : how much fucking money do you have

 

**Craig** : i have 2 snail and 3 goat

 

**Mitchell** : Ideal, ideal. Can you cook?

 

**Craig** : can you?

 

**Mitchell** : Yes.

 

**Craig** : more proof that youre a communist. (and i cant cook for shit; i will burn the house down)

OUTTA MY COUNTRY, ASSHOLE.

 

**Mitchell** : ", said the feeble Canadian who sneaked through the Canadian-American border. And damn- you poor arsonist.

☭☭☭☭

The communist always wins.

 

**Craig** : shit how'd you know and woah, you're actually a communist?!?

im a dickhead. im sorry.

 

**Mitchell** : No, no. I'm kidding. Pure capitalist here, comrade.

And Elizabeth told me, you lying heathen. 

 

**Craig** : LOOK IT WAS A MISTAKE I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD TO BE NATURALIZED

 

**Mitchell** : July to me, Craig.

 

**Craig** : for every dad joke you make, i lose sanity.

stop torturing me. is this what our children feel.

 

**Mitchell** : Suffer, dingus, suffer.

 

**Craig** : you were so nice at the bqq

but i see i was wrong

i see my mistake here

good day, sir

 

**Mitchell** : _[sadandrejackson.gif]_

Forgive me, sir. August of empathy came to me. May you accept my April-ogy?

 

**Craig** : are you implying you pronounce it uh-gust and ay-prology

 

**Mitchell** : IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, HATHAWAY.

 

**Craig** : _[pathetic.jpg]_

BEGONE T H O U G H T

 

**Mitchell** : mr. hathaway i dont feel so good

No, you uncultured swine. It's thot.

 

**Craig** : leave me alone

ahhhh fuck i gtg. elizabeth and i are tuning in to the conspiracy channel. its a traditional thing.

 

**Mitchell** : Oh okay, see you around!

Great talk!

 

**Craig** : im sorry! see you later?

 

**Mitchell** : Hell yeah, man. See you later! :)

 

**Craig** : adioooos comrade from another madre

 

**Mitchell** : Thomas says that made no sense and I agree.

 

**Craig** : dab away from the h8terssssss >:( go away thomas

alright bye man!

 

**Mitchell** : Bye!

**Author's Note:**

> gifs n shit  
> [ohgodpleaseno.gif] https://www.awesomegifs.com/2011/03/11/michael-scott-no-god-please-no-no-noooooooo/
> 
> [evillaugh.gif] http://www.reactiongifs.com/evil-laugh/
> 
> [sadandrejackson.gif] https://giphy.com/gifs/blackish-anthony-anderson-dre-johnson-d2lcHJTG5Tscg
> 
> [pathetic.jpg] https://risibank.fr/stickers/4309-pathetic-simpsons-pathetique-pathetique-seymour-skinner


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